Mary's Example
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This example happened yesterday afternoon when I got home from class. I was tired, hungry and looking forward to a snack and putting my feet up. When I went into the kitchen I saw that my boyfriend had finished the milk and had not put away the bread, so part of it was stale. This is when I began to work my self up. I had a rise in feeling and felt like smashing something. My thoughts were, "why is he so thoughtless-he never thinks of me, only himself-I'm always the giver in relationship-I hate myself-I hate him." I could feel my muscles getting tense and my stomach starting to get upset. I had the impulse to go into his things and throw them around the apartment. It wasn't until I started to cry that I began to spot. I spotted that this incident was a triviality. I did remember times when he was thoughtful--I then knew that I was taking a partial, instead of a total view of him. I also spotted that temper blocks insight into my own thoughts and behavior. I would be exceptional if life did not present frustrations to me. This happens to lots of people so it is average, even though I don't like it. I also spotted that I could express my feelings to him, but it would be important for my mental health to drop the judgment of right and wrong first (since this is a triviality). I can't control outer environment, but I can control my attitude. This thought did make me smile because I was becoming so serious and feeling like this was a crisis, which it was not. My mental health is more important than the symbolic victory of throwing his things and I endorsed myself for controlling my muscles. Before Recovery, Inc., training, I would definitely have gone for one or more symbolic victories by throwing his things and by pointing out to him how wrong he was. I would have called friends to complain. I also would beat myself up for everything and would feel guilty and confused. This would all be part of a vicious cycle between my temperamental outbursts and the suffering I would then have later. I never put the two of those things together before Recovery. All of this led me to feel insecure, sad, shaky, not knowing what was around the corner next or how to handle it. I had a lot of depression and anxiety attacks which brought me into Recovery. Further Spotting! Gerry-- Humor is out best friend--temper our worst enemy. Mary showed this when she spotted that she was taking everything so seriously and even smiled. It's hard to stay in temper if we aren't taking ourselves so seriously. Eli-- I spot expectations and disappointments. Mary came home expecting to find her food for a snack and was disappointed when she didn't. In the future she can be and then be able to handle them in a cultured (not reactive) way. Kai-- I liked the sound of Mary's fourth step (Before Recovery training...) and the way this time she did not pick up the phone and call to complain to her friends. It shows past practice with controlling impulses among other things. Tonya-- Mary spotted that her boyfriend's not wrong, he's average, and she's not wrong, she's average. This is a good way to neutralize that temper (temper being the judgment of right and wrong in trivial matters) rather than to suppress it or "act out" on it. By not putting down that bridge of temper, Mary can keep events in her outer environment from getting into her inner environment. Aaron-- Every act of self control can lead to a measure of self respect. Each time Mary has used self control by choosing not to allow her symptoms or feelings to lead her she has the opportunity to endorse herself for that effort that it takes. It is not easy and by endorsing herself she will gain her self respect and develop more self-leadership instead of being tyrannized by her temper and her symptoms. What does that mean? exceptional-- Mary saw that she is not so unusual that disappointments and frustrations can't happen to her as they do with anyone. In other words, she is not unique, she is average. outer environment--Everything that is outside of Mary is her outer environment, such as people, places and things. symbolic victory--If Mary went ahead and "taught" her boyfriend a lesson, her victory would be symbolic--she was right and he was wrong. That kind of victory is a hollow one, but the victory she had over her impulses took effort and control and for that she achieved a real victory. All of this helps us gain our self respect and better mental health. inner environment-- Everything which is inside of us, including thoughts, feelings, sensations and impulses. In Recovery, we work on controlling our thoughts and impulses, then feelings and sensations cannot be directly controlled by the will.
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